When I started this blog, the intention was to update it at least once a fortnight. Its not quite happened like that though! I know why though, to begin with, I was back on chemo and feeling very rough alt of the time, then when the chemo finishes, its all about getting on with life which is what we have been doing. Every so often I have the thought that I should get on here and update, but something else always seem to get in the way. But today is a day that's cant go unwritten about.
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer nearly 8 years ago, I had a flurry of horrendous thought run through my head. One of which was that I thought that I wouldn't be here to see my beautiful children through school. Well today that thought was well and truly put to rest. Today Shaun and I took James to school to pick up his GCSE results. I cant count how many times I have cried myself to sleep worrying that I wouldn't get to see to see Lucy pick up he GCSEs and so to be here to see James get his just didn't seem possible. But it happened, and our boy did good. For akid that hated very single day of his school life, he did incredibly well and can go on to do his chosen college course. So in the last year, Lucy has got her A levels and in a flash completed her first year at uni and now James is a school leaver - where have our babies gone??
But as the title of this chapter would suggest, this is not the only news that we have had lately. Sadly, not all news is as good, and this certainly isn't. in fact its crap, well worse than crap. It is actually just bloody ridiculous. After I reported familiar aches and pains to my lovely chemo nurse, it was confirmed to me on the day of James' last GCSE exam that my body has succumbed to frigging cancer again. Yep, here we go, ding ding, seconds out, time for round four. Round four? Round four? it just seem unthinkable. I have always been told that this is my life and it will keep coming back, but I recovered so easily and quickly from the third round of chemo, that I really did, honestly start to believe that actually, I may have defied the odds and beaten the evil that is cancer. But it just wasn't to be. So, there you go, its back, again, it obviously hasn't got the message yet. Yes, I survived long enough to see Lucy go to prom, get her GCSEs and then her A levels and then go to University and then have so much pride seeing her adapt so wonderfully to living away from home. Yes, I've seen james survive school, get his GCSEs, helped him plan his short term future, heck, my boy has even started shaving. Im so grateful to have been here for all these milestones, but I'm greedy, Im a mum, we are a family of four, the more I'm here for, the richer our lives get and then obviously the more I want. So now I need to see Lucy graduate, James complete a college course and get an apprenticeship, Shaun and I only have three years to go to our 25th Wedding Anniversary. I want all of that and more.
So this latest diagnosis is more than a little inconvenient to say the least! But, there is good news. When I was first given the news - tumours in my neck, shoulder, chest wall and lungs, my immediate thought was, thank goodness, Ive had it in all those places before, this is nothing new, I have beaten all of this before. This, again, is a battle that I can win. theres no doubt it will be a long, hard battle, but its certainly a battle that im not scared of. Well, more accurately, im not scared of the cancer, but the same cant be said of the chemo. Im in no way looking forward to that, but if that is was it needs, then that is what I have to do - im not saying I wont moan about it along the way but I just have to shut up and put up and get on with it! So, back to the good news, my team at the hospital have looked at my bloods and my scans and are not too worried - that's a relief. they say that all the tumours are small and my blood count at the moment is 22, anything under 36 is classed as "normal", so I am actually considered as normal, which is fab. So for now, im just on monthly assessments, chemo will come, but its not imminent. the rate at which my blood count is increasing gives me around 4 months before I will move out of the normal zone. I have to use that time to get myself as fit as I can, and try to loose some of these chem pounds ive been carrying around for far too long. im currently 4 stones heavier than the day eight years ago when I was first diagnosed. Ive read lots about ketogenic diets, and how some ladies who have strictly followed the diet have reported that their tumours have shrank or even disappeared on the diet. Im at the point now that I will try anything, im pretty realistic in thinking that it probably wont cure my cancer, if it could, why isn't every cancer patient following it, but if I can loose a few pounds along the way then its a win win situation anyway.
The plan of action now then is just to live life a month or so at a time, daring not to think too far into the future, because as soon as chemo starts then life is effectively in on hold. But, the important thing is to do it with smiles on our faces, being grateful for every day that we have and making the most of every opportunity that comes our way.
Im so lucky to have such a wonderful family and some amazing friends that have just offered us so much support again. I was dreading telling people of the latest setback, its just embarrassing, and boring, hence the title of this chapter. "for F**ks Sake Kerry" was by far the most popular choice of words for the reactions of my nearest and dearest. Im so grateful for all of the morale and practical support that we get. We are very lucky people.
Thursday, 25 August 2016
Sunday, 20 March 2016
So, its been a while.......but lets get fundraising.
It has been a while since i've here, so what's been going on?
Well, quite a bit really, after my last post things went downhill for a while, and I had a few weeks of feeling quite sorry for myself, which is quite confusing as I have never felt like that before. I think that I felt that I had no one really to talk to about how I really felt, no one to share my fears and worries with. I had that with my two "cancer friends", but they are no longer here for those frank chats about hopes and fears and all the shit that comes with cancer. I have friends and of course Shaun and my sister, who I could quite easily sit down and talk to, but I never feel that I want to burden them with such worries. So work very kindly gave me some time off, but did express that they thought it was time that I saw a counsellor. Yikes, this is something that I have avoided for the last 7 years, but they have been so good to me, I felt that I owed it to them to do as they asked.
I had heard of The Hummingbird centre from a colleague, a drop in centre in Rugby for people affected by cancer, so after a quick Google I found the opening times and details, took a very deep breath and walked through the door. I couldn't have had a warmer welcome, Helen the founder, soon had a cup of coffee ready for me and I was welcomed to the fold. After enquiring about counselling, I was told that they would be able to help me within a couple of weeks. I walked out knowing that I had found a very safe retreat.
Over Christmas we enjoyed an amazing family holiday, cruising the Caribbean, taking in Jamaica, Mexico and Grand Caymen, it seriously was a holiday of a lifetime and just what we needed. The down time gave me a chance to put things into perspective and try to make some plans for the short term future. I'm still too scared to think long term. For me, I have scans very 6 months, and that's the bite sizes I live my life to for now. So first in the agenda was to go down to a 3 day week at work, changing that life/work balance into the favour of life, rather than work. Instantly I made the decision and said it out loud, I felt so much better, like a huge weight had been lifted. Now, ten weeks into a three day week, I love it. I don't feel like im sinking - at home or at work, I feel that I can cope with what each day throws at me and i have time to fit in the things I want to do as well as the things i need to do. The most amazing thing is that I have even managed to get birthday cards bought, written and posted on time which for me is a great achievement.
So in the new year, I also started my counselling sessions, after the first one, I walked out with my chest puffed out, standing tall and feeling very proud of myself. I realised for the first time that seeking counselling isn't a failure, in fact I think it shows strength. For the first few, I didnt speak much of cancer, but of things in my life that had worried or upset me before, but the cancer had just magnified the problems. But these were the things that kept me awake at night, and maybe I worried about these things to save myself from worrying about the cancer. I still go to the hUmingbird Centre most weeks as I have met some lovely people there and its a great place to be. All of the people sat around with coffees and cake, know just how I feel and I know how they feel. We can help each other with that, with how to cope with chemo, what foods to avoid or eat more of. Its just a safe place to be for a couple hours a week, where we can swap stories, fears and hopes. That's good for me, a couple of hours a week where I can share my story and try to offer help, guidance and advice to others, but also to learn from them to and listen to their stories. Its not all doom and gloom though, it seems we nearly all have dogs so we chat about them, we all love cake, so we all eat that and we have a good laugh.
Keeping busy is the key to survival, it is for me anyway, keep busy and don't think too much, and certainly don't google too much! I bake - a lot, it is my therapy. Im doing 2 treks this year for the Air Ambulance Service, on in The Peaks in May and one in The Lakes in Sept, so to raise the sponsorship I am baking cakes and selling them to colleagues, which is fab as I get to bake as much as I want, but don't have to eat it all! I love the work I do for our local Air Ambulance, knowing that indirectly, all of the actions that I do between the hours of 9 and 5 on my 3 days a week are helping to save lives, to keep families together, it makes me very proud of myself and my colleagues.
I am also on the committee for The Strawberry Festival, and upgrade of last years Strawberry Tea Party that was initially my friend Gails idea, but was held in her honour after she so sadly passed away 5 weeks before the event. These events are amazing, last year we raised £10000 for Breast Cancer Care in an afternoon, serving vintage afternoon teas, there was face painting, a Pimms bar, massages and treatments and an amazing raffle. It took some planning and organising, but we gave a great afternoon out to a lot of local people, and this year we want to do it bigger and better. I want to be involved with this, I know as a cancer patient, how valuable these events are. I know that if events like these had not been running for many years then I would not be here now. These events have helped raise the funds to support some of the research needed to get me where I am today and we need to keep on raising these funds to get us nearer a cure. I read a lot about the research that is going on, and it really is an exciting time, there are major breakthroughs being announced almost weekly now, but this can only happen with the generous donations that the public make, whether personally, or indirectly, by coming to an event like ours and buying entrance tickets, raffle tickets, teas, cakes etc, and having a great time doing it. So if you are in or around Rugby on Sat 25th June, please come and join us at The Rugby Lions Ground on Webb Ellis Road from 1pm. Afternoons like this need to be supported and supported well, there can not be many of us going through life that haven't been touched in some way by cancer. I for one would not like my children to have to live through their own cancer nightmare, the more we can do now to help fund the research will hopefully pave a away for a cancer free future for the next generations. I go into each Christmas, each birthday wondering if this is to be my last, I worry about whether I will see my children marry, will I get to see my Grandchildren? I think i will rock as a crazy Granny and it scares the crap out of me that I may never get the chance, so hopefully, if we all do our own little bit to help fundraise, one day we may just get there. With a little bit of luck and a bit more research I will be here for many years doing my bit. its the least I can do.
Well, quite a bit really, after my last post things went downhill for a while, and I had a few weeks of feeling quite sorry for myself, which is quite confusing as I have never felt like that before. I think that I felt that I had no one really to talk to about how I really felt, no one to share my fears and worries with. I had that with my two "cancer friends", but they are no longer here for those frank chats about hopes and fears and all the shit that comes with cancer. I have friends and of course Shaun and my sister, who I could quite easily sit down and talk to, but I never feel that I want to burden them with such worries. So work very kindly gave me some time off, but did express that they thought it was time that I saw a counsellor. Yikes, this is something that I have avoided for the last 7 years, but they have been so good to me, I felt that I owed it to them to do as they asked.
I had heard of The Hummingbird centre from a colleague, a drop in centre in Rugby for people affected by cancer, so after a quick Google I found the opening times and details, took a very deep breath and walked through the door. I couldn't have had a warmer welcome, Helen the founder, soon had a cup of coffee ready for me and I was welcomed to the fold. After enquiring about counselling, I was told that they would be able to help me within a couple of weeks. I walked out knowing that I had found a very safe retreat.
Over Christmas we enjoyed an amazing family holiday, cruising the Caribbean, taking in Jamaica, Mexico and Grand Caymen, it seriously was a holiday of a lifetime and just what we needed. The down time gave me a chance to put things into perspective and try to make some plans for the short term future. I'm still too scared to think long term. For me, I have scans very 6 months, and that's the bite sizes I live my life to for now. So first in the agenda was to go down to a 3 day week at work, changing that life/work balance into the favour of life, rather than work. Instantly I made the decision and said it out loud, I felt so much better, like a huge weight had been lifted. Now, ten weeks into a three day week, I love it. I don't feel like im sinking - at home or at work, I feel that I can cope with what each day throws at me and i have time to fit in the things I want to do as well as the things i need to do. The most amazing thing is that I have even managed to get birthday cards bought, written and posted on time which for me is a great achievement.
So in the new year, I also started my counselling sessions, after the first one, I walked out with my chest puffed out, standing tall and feeling very proud of myself. I realised for the first time that seeking counselling isn't a failure, in fact I think it shows strength. For the first few, I didnt speak much of cancer, but of things in my life that had worried or upset me before, but the cancer had just magnified the problems. But these were the things that kept me awake at night, and maybe I worried about these things to save myself from worrying about the cancer. I still go to the hUmingbird Centre most weeks as I have met some lovely people there and its a great place to be. All of the people sat around with coffees and cake, know just how I feel and I know how they feel. We can help each other with that, with how to cope with chemo, what foods to avoid or eat more of. Its just a safe place to be for a couple hours a week, where we can swap stories, fears and hopes. That's good for me, a couple of hours a week where I can share my story and try to offer help, guidance and advice to others, but also to learn from them to and listen to their stories. Its not all doom and gloom though, it seems we nearly all have dogs so we chat about them, we all love cake, so we all eat that and we have a good laugh.
Keeping busy is the key to survival, it is for me anyway, keep busy and don't think too much, and certainly don't google too much! I bake - a lot, it is my therapy. Im doing 2 treks this year for the Air Ambulance Service, on in The Peaks in May and one in The Lakes in Sept, so to raise the sponsorship I am baking cakes and selling them to colleagues, which is fab as I get to bake as much as I want, but don't have to eat it all! I love the work I do for our local Air Ambulance, knowing that indirectly, all of the actions that I do between the hours of 9 and 5 on my 3 days a week are helping to save lives, to keep families together, it makes me very proud of myself and my colleagues.
I am also on the committee for The Strawberry Festival, and upgrade of last years Strawberry Tea Party that was initially my friend Gails idea, but was held in her honour after she so sadly passed away 5 weeks before the event. These events are amazing, last year we raised £10000 for Breast Cancer Care in an afternoon, serving vintage afternoon teas, there was face painting, a Pimms bar, massages and treatments and an amazing raffle. It took some planning and organising, but we gave a great afternoon out to a lot of local people, and this year we want to do it bigger and better. I want to be involved with this, I know as a cancer patient, how valuable these events are. I know that if events like these had not been running for many years then I would not be here now. These events have helped raise the funds to support some of the research needed to get me where I am today and we need to keep on raising these funds to get us nearer a cure. I read a lot about the research that is going on, and it really is an exciting time, there are major breakthroughs being announced almost weekly now, but this can only happen with the generous donations that the public make, whether personally, or indirectly, by coming to an event like ours and buying entrance tickets, raffle tickets, teas, cakes etc, and having a great time doing it. So if you are in or around Rugby on Sat 25th June, please come and join us at The Rugby Lions Ground on Webb Ellis Road from 1pm. Afternoons like this need to be supported and supported well, there can not be many of us going through life that haven't been touched in some way by cancer. I for one would not like my children to have to live through their own cancer nightmare, the more we can do now to help fund the research will hopefully pave a away for a cancer free future for the next generations. I go into each Christmas, each birthday wondering if this is to be my last, I worry about whether I will see my children marry, will I get to see my Grandchildren? I think i will rock as a crazy Granny and it scares the crap out of me that I may never get the chance, so hopefully, if we all do our own little bit to help fundraise, one day we may just get there. With a little bit of luck and a bit more research I will be here for many years doing my bit. its the least I can do.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
So, How are you? Now theres a question!
We are now well into November, so its just over a year since I started my third course of chemotherapy. It also means that its 5 months since I finished said course of chemotherapy, and I finished it o
n a high with No Evidence of Disease in my body (again). As a recap, that's the best I can ever hope for now, NED, I will never get the All Clear or be told I'm cured. The reality is, I'm living with cancer and always will be. But, at least I'm living.
So, I very often hear "wow, you look great", "how are you?", "OMG,look at your hair", "Ooh, im loving the curls" Most of the time I can reply with "oh thanks" (ive never been that good at accepting compliments! or "yeah, im fine ta!" etc, etc. Oh, and yep, I love my curls too, im choosing to embrace them this time in the hope that I can avoid a 6 month period of looking like Subo's body double.
But, in the last couple of weeks something has changed and im not sure what. Maybe I have just worn a brave face for a little too long, seven years of pretending to myself and everyone else that Im fine maybe is taking its toll. I remember having a conversation with a colleague last time I was diagnosed in 2012, saying that 95% of the time I sleep exceptionally well, like a log in fact and she explained that people react in different ways to trauma, some stay up all night, worrying and not sleeping, yet others can shut their troubles away in a box and almost just ignore the problem and tuck it so far away, that they can then get a great nights sleep with no worry. I think that's what Ive done, maybe not so much buried my head over all of this, but put my head in the sand and kept digging.
I read a magazine or newspaper article a number of weeks ago written by a lady who had just finished treatment for breast cancer and she had been diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) which I almost scoffed at when I was reading it - how can she compare this to going to war? I was kind of perplexed to say the least.
But as I have been on some sort of emotional rollercoaster from hell over the last few weeks, I have found myself thinking back to this article more and more, Im still not sure that the comparative is quite right, but I do think maybe I need to take stock of what I have been through and try to think less of what may come up In the future. So what has this rollercoaster from hell done to me - again, I don't know exactly, I just dont know how I feel, teary, emotional, maybe even irrational (I know, me, irrational, who would have thought!). Situations that I wouldn't even have thought about twice before, can bring me to the brink of tears on a daily basis, I get cross with myself at work when im asked a question and I cant give an answer without referring to a notebook, I have folders, files, spreadsheets coming out of my ears because I cant trust my memory and thats without the worry of remembering where ive filed things! I get upset as I feel most people expect me to be on the ball as I was before chemo, but how are they supposed to understand that they grey matter doesn't work as it once did?
General opinion is that I do too much, went back to work too early and didn't give myself enough recovery time from eight months of tough chemo. My opinion is that "they" are probably right, but it still makes me reluctant to slow down - Im my own worst enemy obviously. I couldn't do anything for the first seven months of this year so I feel im packing it all into the last 5 months! When you have been faced with the very real situation that your life could be cut short, not once but three times if kind of makes you feel like you have to make the most out of every day. Theres a lot of life out there to be had, places to go, people to see, things to experience it and I want to do it all!!!
the good news is, I've read other blogs and a lot of people feel this way. Having cancer and loosing people along the way does make you look at life differently, it does make you want to live life to the full, but by doing just that, you then realise just how much you don't want to leave it. It makes you realise how precious life is, how we need to live our dreams as much as we can and fit as much into life as we can. Just maybe not all at once though. Time is a great healer (apparently) so im banking on that helping me and sorting me out. This cancer malarkey to be quite frank is a bloody pain in the arse and a major inconvenience for all involved!
I know I will pick myself up, I have good people around me, maybe I need to be more honest when they ask me how I am, come out from behind the brave face and admit that im not feeling great, I do need a hug and I do need to slow down. Its hard though, I don't like the thought of people worrying about me. But still, its very nearly Christmas, time to shut down for a couple of weeks and for the Burton family its time for the holiday of a lifetime ready to pick our selves up, dust ourselves down and be ready for whatever 2016 decides to bring us.
Big love to all those that take time out to love and care for me.
I couldn't do it without you.
KB
XXXXX
So, I very often hear "wow, you look great", "how are you?", "OMG,look at your hair", "Ooh, im loving the curls" Most of the time I can reply with "oh thanks" (ive never been that good at accepting compliments! or "yeah, im fine ta!" etc, etc. Oh, and yep, I love my curls too, im choosing to embrace them this time in the hope that I can avoid a 6 month period of looking like Subo's body double.
But, in the last couple of weeks something has changed and im not sure what. Maybe I have just worn a brave face for a little too long, seven years of pretending to myself and everyone else that Im fine maybe is taking its toll. I remember having a conversation with a colleague last time I was diagnosed in 2012, saying that 95% of the time I sleep exceptionally well, like a log in fact and she explained that people react in different ways to trauma, some stay up all night, worrying and not sleeping, yet others can shut their troubles away in a box and almost just ignore the problem and tuck it so far away, that they can then get a great nights sleep with no worry. I think that's what Ive done, maybe not so much buried my head over all of this, but put my head in the sand and kept digging.
I read a magazine or newspaper article a number of weeks ago written by a lady who had just finished treatment for breast cancer and she had been diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) which I almost scoffed at when I was reading it - how can she compare this to going to war? I was kind of perplexed to say the least.
But as I have been on some sort of emotional rollercoaster from hell over the last few weeks, I have found myself thinking back to this article more and more, Im still not sure that the comparative is quite right, but I do think maybe I need to take stock of what I have been through and try to think less of what may come up In the future. So what has this rollercoaster from hell done to me - again, I don't know exactly, I just dont know how I feel, teary, emotional, maybe even irrational (I know, me, irrational, who would have thought!). Situations that I wouldn't even have thought about twice before, can bring me to the brink of tears on a daily basis, I get cross with myself at work when im asked a question and I cant give an answer without referring to a notebook, I have folders, files, spreadsheets coming out of my ears because I cant trust my memory and thats without the worry of remembering where ive filed things! I get upset as I feel most people expect me to be on the ball as I was before chemo, but how are they supposed to understand that they grey matter doesn't work as it once did?
General opinion is that I do too much, went back to work too early and didn't give myself enough recovery time from eight months of tough chemo. My opinion is that "they" are probably right, but it still makes me reluctant to slow down - Im my own worst enemy obviously. I couldn't do anything for the first seven months of this year so I feel im packing it all into the last 5 months! When you have been faced with the very real situation that your life could be cut short, not once but three times if kind of makes you feel like you have to make the most out of every day. Theres a lot of life out there to be had, places to go, people to see, things to experience it and I want to do it all!!!
the good news is, I've read other blogs and a lot of people feel this way. Having cancer and loosing people along the way does make you look at life differently, it does make you want to live life to the full, but by doing just that, you then realise just how much you don't want to leave it. It makes you realise how precious life is, how we need to live our dreams as much as we can and fit as much into life as we can. Just maybe not all at once though. Time is a great healer (apparently) so im banking on that helping me and sorting me out. This cancer malarkey to be quite frank is a bloody pain in the arse and a major inconvenience for all involved!
I know I will pick myself up, I have good people around me, maybe I need to be more honest when they ask me how I am, come out from behind the brave face and admit that im not feeling great, I do need a hug and I do need to slow down. Its hard though, I don't like the thought of people worrying about me. But still, its very nearly Christmas, time to shut down for a couple of weeks and for the Burton family its time for the holiday of a lifetime ready to pick our selves up, dust ourselves down and be ready for whatever 2016 decides to bring us.
Big love to all those that take time out to love and care for me.
I couldn't do it without you.
KB
XXXXX
Friday, 9 October 2015
its Friday 9th October today, my "Cancerversary". Its 7 years today since our lives changed forever when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can still remember that meeting as clear as day, as though it was yesterday. I had found the lump myself and gone to see my GP, at that point the rollercoaster ride that we are still on started. Shaun and i went over to UHCW to meet with my nurse Kristn and the Doc, Stephen Parkes, he very calmly told me that i had DCIS, whitish is almost pre-cancerous, but as the lump was so large it meant that my whole breast would need to be removed, but as i wouldn't require any further treatment i could have an immediate reconstruction, this was all booked in for 4th December. Thats the day they discovered i didn't quite have DCIS, but a grade 3 tuner and also activity in my lymph nodes, meaning chemotherapy and all that jazz. All of this happens at such a speed that its hard to take on board what is actually going on and what is being said to you. The doctors use long words, many of which i could not pronounce, let alone spell, and all at a time when you need to be taking on board and understanding what is being said. I think my head starting spinning on that day 8 years ago and has not quite stopped even now.
When i first me Professor Christopher Poole, my fabulous oncologist, he told me i needed chemotherapy. he had a very clever little program on his knackered NHS computer that told us, if i didn't have chemo, the cancer was 66% likely to return, but if did have chemo it was only 33% likely to return, so it was a no-brainer, chemo would cut my chances of a recurrence in half. so i embarked on the first 6 months of gruelling chemo, it was hell as i was also contending with my reconstructed boob leaking and not being able to heal whist on chemo.oH, it was all the fun of the fair in our house at that time. the kids were ten and eight, we had a new puppy and Shaun was still trying to juggle everything.
But fast forward 7 years, and I'm still here, I'm alive and well. I had a CT scan last week and learned on Wednesday that showed that i was still showing NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE!! Which is just amazing. One of the statistics i was old in the early days has always stuck in my mind, and always scared the living crap out of me - when i was first diagnosed with Triple negative breast cancer (the most aggressive for of BC) statistically, only 15% of those with a similar diagnosis lived for a further 5 years.
So, here i am 7 years later feeling quite smug, but also very, very lucky. It has been tremendously hard for everyone involved around me, for Shaun and the children, i can only begin to imagine how they have been affected by this, but they all seem relatively normal! Lucy has ventured of to Sheffield, to University, and whilst i miss her company (not her washing) loads, i am bursting with pride. She has settled in so well, and made some lovely friends so easily and quickly, i have no worries, i know that our girl will succeed in her chosen path and be fab at all she does! Love you Lucy Loo. James, well, he is James, adapting well to his only child status - or as he calls himself, The Child who Wont Leave Home, like thats meant to make me feel better! He has a great group friends and football team mates and he even managed to score a goal last week (the fastest in the league so far at 28 seconds!)- Go James, I'm so proud of you buddy. Then theres Shaun, a man of very few words, and to be honest, when he does speak, it very rarely makes sense - but the man is amazing. He has cooked, cleaned, washed, taxid, everything for all of us all of the times i have been on treatment, he has broken sleep to be able to attend hospital appointments with me and he has never once moaned - well not to me anyway!!! I also have the most amazing sister, whose support has been second to none throughout this whole journey, cards, flowers, pressies, even hot meals posted to us at all time. just amazing.
I have so many friends and work colleagues (most of whom i class as friends) who have helped me along the way, whether by cooking us a meal, taking me to chemo and entertaining me, taking me for days or nights out, the list has been endless and i will always be eternally grateful to every single oe of them.
It most certainly has not been all doom and gloom though, we've had some right laughs along the way and some personal achievements too. Between treatments I've completed two London marathons - a childhood dream, but it took getting cancer to give me the drive and determination to get off my arse and do it. Ive also done the moonwalk - ok i cheated and did it in a wheelchair, but i feel that Coz and Beck got a better workout because of it, so i don't feel guilty!! As a family, we've had some great holidays and some fun times, I've had weekends away with friend and just laughed so much. I just now have such an appreciation for life and all that it can bring.
Of course, i realise and remind myself everyday - i am one of the lucky ones. I think of Julie and Gail everyday in disbelief that they are no longer with us. But it also makes me realise that life is too short not to make the most of it, we need to be out there every day doing what we love and being with he people we love, because all too quickly it can be gone.
Get out there and live your dreams.
Kerry
xxxxx
When i first me Professor Christopher Poole, my fabulous oncologist, he told me i needed chemotherapy. he had a very clever little program on his knackered NHS computer that told us, if i didn't have chemo, the cancer was 66% likely to return, but if did have chemo it was only 33% likely to return, so it was a no-brainer, chemo would cut my chances of a recurrence in half. so i embarked on the first 6 months of gruelling chemo, it was hell as i was also contending with my reconstructed boob leaking and not being able to heal whist on chemo.oH, it was all the fun of the fair in our house at that time. the kids were ten and eight, we had a new puppy and Shaun was still trying to juggle everything.
But fast forward 7 years, and I'm still here, I'm alive and well. I had a CT scan last week and learned on Wednesday that showed that i was still showing NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE!! Which is just amazing. One of the statistics i was old in the early days has always stuck in my mind, and always scared the living crap out of me - when i was first diagnosed with Triple negative breast cancer (the most aggressive for of BC) statistically, only 15% of those with a similar diagnosis lived for a further 5 years.
So, here i am 7 years later feeling quite smug, but also very, very lucky. It has been tremendously hard for everyone involved around me, for Shaun and the children, i can only begin to imagine how they have been affected by this, but they all seem relatively normal! Lucy has ventured of to Sheffield, to University, and whilst i miss her company (not her washing) loads, i am bursting with pride. She has settled in so well, and made some lovely friends so easily and quickly, i have no worries, i know that our girl will succeed in her chosen path and be fab at all she does! Love you Lucy Loo. James, well, he is James, adapting well to his only child status - or as he calls himself, The Child who Wont Leave Home, like thats meant to make me feel better! He has a great group friends and football team mates and he even managed to score a goal last week (the fastest in the league so far at 28 seconds!)- Go James, I'm so proud of you buddy. Then theres Shaun, a man of very few words, and to be honest, when he does speak, it very rarely makes sense - but the man is amazing. He has cooked, cleaned, washed, taxid, everything for all of us all of the times i have been on treatment, he has broken sleep to be able to attend hospital appointments with me and he has never once moaned - well not to me anyway!!! I also have the most amazing sister, whose support has been second to none throughout this whole journey, cards, flowers, pressies, even hot meals posted to us at all time. just amazing.
I have so many friends and work colleagues (most of whom i class as friends) who have helped me along the way, whether by cooking us a meal, taking me to chemo and entertaining me, taking me for days or nights out, the list has been endless and i will always be eternally grateful to every single oe of them.
It most certainly has not been all doom and gloom though, we've had some right laughs along the way and some personal achievements too. Between treatments I've completed two London marathons - a childhood dream, but it took getting cancer to give me the drive and determination to get off my arse and do it. Ive also done the moonwalk - ok i cheated and did it in a wheelchair, but i feel that Coz and Beck got a better workout because of it, so i don't feel guilty!! As a family, we've had some great holidays and some fun times, I've had weekends away with friend and just laughed so much. I just now have such an appreciation for life and all that it can bring.
Of course, i realise and remind myself everyday - i am one of the lucky ones. I think of Julie and Gail everyday in disbelief that they are no longer with us. But it also makes me realise that life is too short not to make the most of it, we need to be out there every day doing what we love and being with he people we love, because all too quickly it can be gone.
Get out there and live your dreams.
Kerry
xxxxx
Monday, 3 August 2015
Good times and Sad times.
So here we go, its been a few weeks since I last posted, and its been a massive rollercoaster. There have been great highs and terrible lows. I have returned to work (not sure if that's a high or a low!) which is great as it is the biggest indication of me returning to normal and recovering form the effects of the chemo. Ive only been doing 3 days a week, but its a start. We have seen our beautiful daughter Lucy grow into a beautiful adult and helped her celebrate her 18th birthday with 4 days of celebration. It is an honour to call her my daughter - I often look at her in amazement, her confidence, her beauty, her sense of humour, her intelligence all astound me - as do her clumsiness and ability to ask the most daftest of questions!
We also had a most needed 4 day break to Barcelona, temporarily becoming a family of 5 with the addition of "the other Lucy". We had a fab time, it was so hot, but we enjoyed seeing most of the city from the comfort of the open top buses. But it was whilst we were here I received the devastating news that G had passed away. If you remember, I had been introduced to G in the chemo ward back in November. We had become firm friends, allies almost, in this battle against this bloody cruel disease. Our relationship quickly grew, from our love of going out to breakfast through to our hatred of cancer and ultimately our fear of death. We took comfort in each other, knowing that we could talk about anything to each other, especially our fears. We were both supported by great friends and we both have amazing sisters and I am very fortunate to have Shaun and our children, but no one (quite understandably) wants to talk about death and all that it brings. I fully understand Shaun turning away from me and telling me to shut up when I talk about my funeral, order of service, songs to be played etc - but someone needs to know. I cant expect Shaun or any of my friends or my sister to understand the real fear of death, the fear of not seeing the children grow up (hence Lucy having 4 days of 18th celebrations, there have been times I didn't think I would be here to see her reach 18, so I was determined it wouldn't pass quietly!) and the worry of how they would all cope without me. In G, I found someone who knew exactly how I was feeling, as she was feeling the same. We both took part in this years Race for Life in Stonleigh, G as part of "Gails Girls" and me as part of "Jogging for Julie". My team covered the 5k, but somehow G managed the 10K, I really don't know how - well I do, she had an abundance of sheer guts and determination and walked that course with her 2 beloved dogs, to raise a huge amount of money for a cause we truly believe in. I will miss my buddy so much, we did talk a lot of doom and gloom, but we also talked a lot of crap and had a huge amount of laughs and cake along the way. Ive now lost 2 friends to this bloody shitty disease in the last 10 months and we had the news 3 days after Gs passing, Shauns second cousin a lovely lady called Alma had also succumbed to cancer after a long brave fight. Its all just crap and we need to be able to put a stop to it - and soon. loosing these precious people from my life makes me value mine more than ever now and I feel that I owe it to them to live my life to the full and to make the most of every moment - as we all do. RIP G and Alma. XXX
Gails friends are holding a fundraising event on Saturday 22nd August at the Bull Inn in Clifton, Rugby. Here is the fundraising page to compliment the event, please donate if you can....https://www.justgiving.com/Caroline-Turner9/ Huge thanks in advance. Kerry
We also had a most needed 4 day break to Barcelona, temporarily becoming a family of 5 with the addition of "the other Lucy". We had a fab time, it was so hot, but we enjoyed seeing most of the city from the comfort of the open top buses. But it was whilst we were here I received the devastating news that G had passed away. If you remember, I had been introduced to G in the chemo ward back in November. We had become firm friends, allies almost, in this battle against this bloody cruel disease. Our relationship quickly grew, from our love of going out to breakfast through to our hatred of cancer and ultimately our fear of death. We took comfort in each other, knowing that we could talk about anything to each other, especially our fears. We were both supported by great friends and we both have amazing sisters and I am very fortunate to have Shaun and our children, but no one (quite understandably) wants to talk about death and all that it brings. I fully understand Shaun turning away from me and telling me to shut up when I talk about my funeral, order of service, songs to be played etc - but someone needs to know. I cant expect Shaun or any of my friends or my sister to understand the real fear of death, the fear of not seeing the children grow up (hence Lucy having 4 days of 18th celebrations, there have been times I didn't think I would be here to see her reach 18, so I was determined it wouldn't pass quietly!) and the worry of how they would all cope without me. In G, I found someone who knew exactly how I was feeling, as she was feeling the same. We both took part in this years Race for Life in Stonleigh, G as part of "Gails Girls" and me as part of "Jogging for Julie". My team covered the 5k, but somehow G managed the 10K, I really don't know how - well I do, she had an abundance of sheer guts and determination and walked that course with her 2 beloved dogs, to raise a huge amount of money for a cause we truly believe in. I will miss my buddy so much, we did talk a lot of doom and gloom, but we also talked a lot of crap and had a huge amount of laughs and cake along the way. Ive now lost 2 friends to this bloody shitty disease in the last 10 months and we had the news 3 days after Gs passing, Shauns second cousin a lovely lady called Alma had also succumbed to cancer after a long brave fight. Its all just crap and we need to be able to put a stop to it - and soon. loosing these precious people from my life makes me value mine more than ever now and I feel that I owe it to them to live my life to the full and to make the most of every moment - as we all do. RIP G and Alma. XXX
Gails friends are holding a fundraising event on Saturday 22nd August at the Bull Inn in Clifton, Rugby. Here is the fundraising page to compliment the event, please donate if you can....https://www.justgiving.com/Caroline-Turner9/ Huge thanks in advance. Kerry
Thursday, 28 May 2015
Thats it -chemo is done!
What better day than today to update the blog? Today I had my 16th dose of chemo since starting this third lot on Oct 29th. It been quite intense and has most definitely become harder as the time has gone on, but its done now. Thanks goodness. To be honest though, today is the easy bit of any chemo cycle, I had great company with me again, in the form of my great friend Emma Brown. We had a great time nattering away, we actually didn't even notice the nurse coming along and starting the chemo off!!! The day stated off great with Emma turning up at mine with a new tshirt for me to wear, declaring my a "chemo grad" so I proudly wore it all day. I asked her if we could stop at Tesco on the way to the hospital as I wanted to get some cakes to take to the nurses, but she shocked me by already having an amazing cake made by JJS Cakes for the nurses, so we took it in and they were overjoyed by the gesture and even more so once they tasted the cake!!
So chemo is done, what next? Well tomorrow I am having a visit form an old school friend ive not seen for a year or two, so that will be great, then tomorrow night we have James football presentation and hopefully over the weekend a visit form my cousin, who will help Shaun lay some new decking in the garden. Then we have the FA cup, my team Aston Villa against James' team Arsenal. To be honest I think the cup will be going back to London, I just hope the Villians put up a good fight.
Then Sunday, the fun begins, when I say fun, I suppose I really mean shit! I probably wont even have the energy to get out of bed on Sunday, my mouth with start to feel all slimy inside, my appetite will go, I will feel sick and repulsed at any foody smells that come up the stairs, but I think worst of all I become very intolerant of people! its really quite horrible, I just want to be in my own bubble and left alone. That includes my wonderful family, I just cant bare form them to see me in such a rubbish way and just don't like being bothered. it just takes so much effort to answer questions, even if they are just asking how I am or if I want a drink, its just so much effort to reply, which is just horrible. This will go on until probably about Friday. Monday and Tuesday will feel worse, my appetite will be non existent and even knowing what to drink is a struggle as my stomach feels so sensitive. So all I can say now, is roll on next Saturday when hopefully I will start picking up and then I can get on with the rest of my life.
So, how do I feel about the rest of my life? Honestly? I cant bloody wait to get back to normal again, to get back to work, to get running again, to be bale to walk my lovely dog , every thing chemo has robbed me of. But all for a good reason, the chemo has worked and is giving me the opportunity to keep living. so that's what I will do, but with more vigour, enthusiasm and zest than ever before. But I will always be doing it whilst glancing over my shoulder. My medical team have left me in no doubt that the cancer will return, it just a matter of when, so I have to be extra vigilant and be checking my body all the time for new lumps or bumps and aches and pains. So as much as we want life to carry on as normal, there will always be that niggle that cancer could be rearing its ugly head. But I am sure that will my vigilance and the superb team I have behind me at the hospital and the good reaction to chemo I seem to have we will beat the bastard again. Though secretly I am hoping that at 3-0 to me the little bugger may just take the hint and not bother coming back. fingers crossed on that one!!
So onto cheerier news, I mentioned at the end of my last blog that I was a finalist in the Rugby FM pride of Rugby awards and im very pleased to say that I won the "Citizen of the Year "award. What an amazingly proud moment, and all of the family were there too, which was great. So now I have to think of something - a fundraising event that I can do to commemorate the award. Any suggestions gratefully received.
Well that's me knackered for the night, I will be back, once im over the hibernation period next week.
I would appreciate any feedback you could give me about this blog - is it ok? is it boring? does it help you understand chemo more? is there anything also you think I could pass on? Please let me know.
Good health and happiness to you all.
Kerry
So chemo is done, what next? Well tomorrow I am having a visit form an old school friend ive not seen for a year or two, so that will be great, then tomorrow night we have James football presentation and hopefully over the weekend a visit form my cousin, who will help Shaun lay some new decking in the garden. Then we have the FA cup, my team Aston Villa against James' team Arsenal. To be honest I think the cup will be going back to London, I just hope the Villians put up a good fight.
Then Sunday, the fun begins, when I say fun, I suppose I really mean shit! I probably wont even have the energy to get out of bed on Sunday, my mouth with start to feel all slimy inside, my appetite will go, I will feel sick and repulsed at any foody smells that come up the stairs, but I think worst of all I become very intolerant of people! its really quite horrible, I just want to be in my own bubble and left alone. That includes my wonderful family, I just cant bare form them to see me in such a rubbish way and just don't like being bothered. it just takes so much effort to answer questions, even if they are just asking how I am or if I want a drink, its just so much effort to reply, which is just horrible. This will go on until probably about Friday. Monday and Tuesday will feel worse, my appetite will be non existent and even knowing what to drink is a struggle as my stomach feels so sensitive. So all I can say now, is roll on next Saturday when hopefully I will start picking up and then I can get on with the rest of my life.
So, how do I feel about the rest of my life? Honestly? I cant bloody wait to get back to normal again, to get back to work, to get running again, to be bale to walk my lovely dog , every thing chemo has robbed me of. But all for a good reason, the chemo has worked and is giving me the opportunity to keep living. so that's what I will do, but with more vigour, enthusiasm and zest than ever before. But I will always be doing it whilst glancing over my shoulder. My medical team have left me in no doubt that the cancer will return, it just a matter of when, so I have to be extra vigilant and be checking my body all the time for new lumps or bumps and aches and pains. So as much as we want life to carry on as normal, there will always be that niggle that cancer could be rearing its ugly head. But I am sure that will my vigilance and the superb team I have behind me at the hospital and the good reaction to chemo I seem to have we will beat the bastard again. Though secretly I am hoping that at 3-0 to me the little bugger may just take the hint and not bother coming back. fingers crossed on that one!!
So onto cheerier news, I mentioned at the end of my last blog that I was a finalist in the Rugby FM pride of Rugby awards and im very pleased to say that I won the "Citizen of the Year "award. What an amazingly proud moment, and all of the family were there too, which was great. So now I have to think of something - a fundraising event that I can do to commemorate the award. Any suggestions gratefully received.
Well that's me knackered for the night, I will be back, once im over the hibernation period next week.
I would appreciate any feedback you could give me about this blog - is it ok? is it boring? does it help you understand chemo more? is there anything also you think I could pass on? Please let me know.
Good health and happiness to you all.
Kerry
Wednesday, 6 May 2015
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